Are you in your 20s or 30s today, attractive, and got that playboy vibes? Do you have difficulties transitioning from a Playboy to a Spouse in Marriage? This one is for you. You had your personal reasons and experiences that led you to where you are, and that is fine. I was a playboy too at some point. Not that I miss that life; to be frank, it comes with more distractions than one needs in a difficult world. I had a good run, I didn’t even have as much as I do now. I had more distractions than I needed, and it kept me stuck in a place for a long time.
Our contemporary society bombards us with diversions 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, with no breaks. The internet, social media, dating applications, porn sites, and lewd group chats, among many other distractions, help foster our carnal nature. These additional diversions drive us to become entangled in the web of the player lifestyle. Commitment is a burden when there are so many tails to pursue; willing to be consumed across the spectrum of sexes and kinks.
Call me old, but as I reach my mid-30s; I recall what casual sex was like when I was in my late teens and early twenties. Back then, you have to chase a lady, lie, and do all you can to get some ass; nowadays, you only have to swipe right and have a decent chat game to get some. The ease with which I could have several sexual partners increased as I approached my mid and late twenties until God provided an olive branch in the form of a wife with whom I had to relearn how to be with.
The age-old myth…
Growing up, I learned that it was vital for a man to sleep with as many ladies as possible so when you get married, you’d have checked off a number of fantasies on your bucket list, and this prevents you from cheating on your spouse. Fortunately for me, I took this advice with a grain of salt because I never felt the need to wait indefinitely before getting married. My experience of observing a mentor at the time, who looked to be happily married with children, having extramarital affairs with younger females my age, taught me that marriage does not immediately save us from our bad habits; it just makes them worse for our wellbeing.
It only made more sense after I married and my old self remained. No change in personality, just a change in marital status. Then a new school began for me; Self-control, restraint, and self-reinvention. What we normally view as typical behavior in the presence of women is no longer acceptable. Those provocative remarks we learn to make over time, the way we speak around other women, the eye contact we make, and other small actions that seem natural as a player starts to feel wrong as a married guy. This information, however, may not help your case because you might be accustomed to practices that are difficult to alter.
The need for attention and validation…
Getting attention from one person for the rest of your life is a reality you must learn to accept in a marriage.
Call it an ego trip, but as a player, you have a roll call of the opposite sex or same-sex that wants your attention; in most situations, this goes out the window when you get married.
I used to be a mini-Facebook sensation at some point writing about my escapades on my blog, which brought a lot of attention from ladies. Social media likes, comments, and DMs were normal, until I got married, and likes dropped from 600 to 6. Then it hits you that you now exist in a whole new world where the opposite sex avoids you like a plague. Saying hi to old friends of the opposite sex and those you knew probably had a crush on you become a sin to them. People see you differently, some of whom feel hurt that you said “I do” to someone else. Others hate you for not considering them as an option, while the real ones just don’t want to get involved with you as they see no happy end for themselves in that story.
The new reality…
At this point, you reassess your status and realign your thinking to suit your new reality. It only gets worse if you have been a chronic online dating app user, which makes it easy for you to sit at home and meet thousands of females online without having to move out, all in search of attention. You ask yourself if you still have what you once had – game.
Over time, the feeling of the player you once waned, and you are desperate to keep some part of the old you. Hopefully, you’d inform your spouse about your old self at the beginning of your relationship. If she or he were understanding enough, you may find it easier moving past this phase as it will be easier to discuss your shortcomings on this issue with them openly.
For those still stuck in this phase, openness to accept your shortfalls without giving yourself more excuses to indulge in them continuously will go a long way to bring you the peace you need. For spouses who still have their partner neck-deep in this habit, patience and understanding may be your only way to pull them out of this phase.
The goal for anyone still in this phase is to consider a tradeoff. Trade the distracting apps for mindfulness/spiritual apps, and this has nothing to do with religion, but rather enriching your soul with an alternative source of inspiration for the emptiness you feel inside. Take the time off looking for who to chat dirty with and replace that with a book, or something healthier for your mind and soul.
Re-evaluating your life – overcoming old habits…
Life is short, how we tend to live it either makes it shorter or a bit longer than expected. The question is, what do you want out of life? Thinking about the values you need to get the best out of your time on earth could be a catalyst to pull you out of the player persona we embedded deep in your system over a period of time.
What habits do not serve you anymore, porn, sex chats, drinking, smoking, late nights, masturbation, private kinks you haven’t discussed with or had with your partner? Take it one day at a time in eliminating these “normal” behaviors we find easy to indulge in these days. Remember that behaviors over time become habits, and habits are hard to stop. However, you can overcome a bad addiction if you make yourself do it. Reassessing your life goals could help you shed light on what’s most important and how to be to lead a better life.
From a personal perspective, the blessing in marriage in our time is its ability to realign us to who we are to be, by making us less selfish in choosing our habits. We get to see the need in being a better version of ourselves for selfless yet selfish reasons. By so doing, we notice an upward trajectory with life achievements and personal growth. We learn from mistakes faster and understand what triggers us to fall back into those habits we strive to stay away from.
Self-control takes learning and continuous practice for a long time before you become a master at it. Recognizing your triggers as a player is very crucial. Avoiding your triggers goes a long way to maintaining the standards you’ve set once you have attained them.
Think pure thoughts only – conquering lust…
The famous best-selling book, “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen, teaches us that we are made or unmade by our thoughts. The book urges us to forego lustful thoughts for us to attain that which we seek in life.
Thinking pure thoughts doesn’t come overnight, it is a constant practice that requires gradual consistency. The more our thoughts are pure, the harder it is for us to indulge in our player ways. We can gradually cut down our immoral acts and rebuild our souls to where we find peace and tranquillity.
This requires us to apply the law of substitution. By this, I mean replacing our lustful thoughts with more productive ones.
Watch an educational YouTube video that you will normally find boring instead of searching for “big ebony booty” on your preferred porn site. Chat with family and friends in place of people who will infuse nasty thoughts in your mind or trigger your need to self-indulge. Deleting that or those dating apps and replacing them with more productive apps.
Thinking pure thoughts enables your ability to control yourself in various situations where you would have found yourself faltering. It also draws you closer to achieving those life goals you have set for yourself.
The law of karma…
What goes around, comes around. Life is what you make of it. Understanding that karma is a bitch may help you curb your excesses. Meeting the right spouse has the potential to change you for the better when you choose family interest over self-indulgence. However, if you ride on a good spouse longer than you should, it may come back to bite you harder than you expected. What is good for the goose, they say, is good for the gander.
Continuing that player lifestyle after marriage with impunity can only lead to more harm than good. If you want a life of balance, you must remember that karma is real; you will live to regret the choices you make, the excuses you give, and your conscious ignorance of the truth. Let this be a gentle reminder that a predator today, can be prey tomorrow.
As hard as it sounds, at our core, we know the truth. We know our shortcomings and how they affect our mental and physical health and general well-being. In churches, they refer to them as principalities and powers that stop us from receiving the blessings and gifts in store for us from God. Ignoring these realities will never help us move toward our goals. Even when we feel we are moving towards our goals, karma will catch up with us at some point.
It is what it is.